I know I haven't been blogging a lot. Guess it's because I haven't had a lot of terribly interesting things going on. That, and maybe there's been some stuff going on in my life that I would go on and on about, then regret it. My mom always told me "if you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all". Silence. ha... something I am NOT used to :) I've always had an uncanny knack of speaking before I think. There have been times in my life when I've hurt people with that "skill". People I loved and people I hardly knew...
Now, don't get the impression that things are bad. They're not. In fact, I am so happy just "wife-ing" and mothering my little ones. I don't write too much about it because 1: Don't think anyone out there in blog land really is that interested in reading yet another mom ranting and bragging blog. Love them. But there really are enough of them, aren't there? And 2: I'm so busy experiencing it, I don't want to miss any of it writing on the blog about it. It's all good. Jacob's GORGEOUS and the happiest baby I've ever encountered. Rebekah's the joy of my heart, and I am trying to absorb every moment of her before handing her over to the school system in September when she begins kindergarten. Such mixed emotions about that... And Hannah and Caleb are great kids. Their "cusp of teens" emotions sway from one extreme to the next day by day, but that's ok. Their "center" is good.... wonderful even. Like all mothers, their personality flaws irritate me one moment, but then I am pouncing like a lioness to defend them fiercely the moment anyone else complains about them... hee hee...
My 2 adult children are the inspiration for all of my heartaches at the moment... enough said?
And Hubby? funny thing... There are slivers of moments when his flaws irritate me to the brink. But then I realize my feet are sticking to the Hawaiin Punch that spilled on the floor and I didn't quite pick up enough. There's bread crumbs, an old receipt, doll hair, and a cheerio all bonded to it. I should wipe it all up, but it's creating an amazing collage that I could have spent hours trying to recreate, and never quite "got it". I think I'll leave it there for Mike to see. He'll appreciate it... or at least pretend to. He'll wrap his arms around me and say "I never have to ask why I fall in love with you all over again every day". And I'll think to myself "what flaws"? Together we'll hold hands and step over the empty shopping bags that no one put away, make our way through the obstacle of laundry baskets adorning the dining room floor, shimmy past the porta-crib which almost blocks the entryway into my art room, and try to steal a few minutes of smooching in the big comfy chair. The second we get that all cleared of the unfolded laundry and are just about to cuddle, one of the babies will wake up, or Rebekah will need something, or the phone will ring... and you just can't ignore a widow calling with the music requests for her husband's funeral.
Mike walks away to find a quiet place to console and eloquently suggest the perfect music... usually outside as there are no quiet places inside our house. And I will attend to Rebekah's eminent need, change diapers, make bottles, wipe spitup, and give Adleigh back the pacifier that Uncle Jake (2 months her elder) has once again swiped from the grasp of her toothless grip.
The song "just another day in paradise" will be playing in my head. And I'll smile when I get to the words "and each night I pray for just another day in paradise". That really is my life. It's crazy, but I just want more of it....
And tonight, when the kids are finally all settled in after homework, meetings, frying dinner after discovering that the propane tank on the grill has run out of gas, treating stained clothes, reapplying bug bite medicine, half-wiping more spilled Hawaiin Punch, standing guard while our 10 year old showers because for some reason, this amazingly intelligent, sophisticated girl is still afraid river dolphins may decend from the shower head... and finally saying our family prayers together... Mike and I will attempt to watch a movie together on the screened in porch. (with Jacob in tow, of course). Then, when we are ready to collapse, I will head off to bed, while he exhaustedly walks the dog who we forgot to walk earlier.
I skipped a few details, but with 6 kids, you get the picture.
As I settle in to bed, I'll probably open up the laptop to browse what wonders have just sold on etsy. Or try to do a few more lessons in one of my online art classes.... I've already watched all the free Johnny Depp movies on netflix... I'll get a little blue that our room still is unfinished and wish Mike were not asleep in the recliner in the other room... I'll brood to myself about how I have to organize my life because the lack of creative time in my day is killing me. and finally, I'll force myself to shut down and go to sleep. About 30 minutes later, one of the kids will wake up because they've had a bad dream, heard thunder, or need to go pee. I'll hope it's not thunder, because if it is, it means the rest will follow, and it will be a long night convincing them that the house will not get struck by lightening and burn down in our sleep. Why did I ever tell them that it's not the thunder, but the lightening that's dangerous??? Why?
Oh, gosh... I did it again. Posted about my life instead of my work. Can't seem to get away from that.
Crazy thing is, this post was supposed to be about other things. I wasn't even planning on posting. But as often happens, while I was holding a sleeping baby, I visited etsy, and found an amazingly talented artist. She's a clothing designer actually. But her clothes are art. Her profile and shop description were so "crazy", I was lured in. I "had" to click on her blog link. That lured me in even more. Not sure why. In many ways she and I are polar opposites. I think I am everything she hates.... more like the sunshiny, "unthinking", scrapbooking gals she slams in one of her posts. Let's just say her blog title is something along the lines of i'll stab you in the face... She's clever and witty. And no one can take away from her that she makes unique and beautiful things. But in some ways, we are the same. Both searching... both longing to express and create. Why am I feeling sad and worried about someone I've never met, and whom I probably would not like if we did know each other? I want her "darkness" to be a gimic. I want her to be happy. I want her to know that Jesus isn't a lucky charm... She's going through some of life's hard knocks right now. I'm rooting for her.
Reading her blog made me happier to be me. I realize that when I think "I'm in a bad place" it's still the only place I want to be. I may not have all the personal space and time I'd like to create all the things I dream of. But I'm with the people I want to be with. And I'm the person I want to be. There is a peace this world cannot offer, and I thank God for the grace of knowing and accepting that. My mind, body, and soul are at peace even when the waves of life's crazy intrusions and challenges are battering me.
So... maybe I was led to "meet" someone online who is my polar opposite, yet I was magnetically drawn to. Maybe I did see enough of me in her... or her in me to reflect on what I most desire, and what I most am thankful for. Maybe my sick imagination and sense of humore just loves her. Whatever the reasons I am glad to be part of this wierd and amazing online art community. I am constantly reminded of just how huge and how small our world is from moment to moment. and while I am pretty sure the other gal would disagree, I am reminded that we are all a part of the body of Christ and are in need of each other. Not sure why certain folks are placed in our actual or virtual paths, but since she does like folks to pray for her... I will. And while I'm at it, I'll pray for me. Because I really do think that God wants us to turn to Him at least as often as our children unendingly turn to us for help in the most mundane and most monumental of needs. He's God, afterall, and there's nothing too little or too big for Him to handle. His supply is never-ending and He's just waiting to share it all with us... with me.
"Dear Lord... I know I ask for a lot. But here I am again. Please inspire me in how to mother my grown children... How to best reflect You in their lives. And please help me to be all that You've created me to be. Help me to meet my daily duties with love, and still find that time I need to creatively express all that is within me" ~Amen.
PS. "Thank You" and "I Love You" more than everything...